Bus Etiquette (Violators of) For Noor
Etiquette is important. No, I am not talking about the “don’t-put-your-elbows-on-the-table” type of etiquette, I mean the etiquette that is in place because disregarding it actively hurts everybody else; like the puff puff pass rule.
Now, if you have ever lived somewhere where lots of people rely on public transportation, especially buses, to get around and commute (yes, the post is directed mainly at you Santa Cruzians), then you understand the necessity of bus etiquette and the deep pit of fiery rage that violators spawn inside us all. So, for the benefit of the world I will outline the PROPER way to conduct oneself on a bus, and save us all from the next mass-murdering, third trimester senior trying to get to their 8 o’clock class on Science Hill (what up inside jokes?).
Let’s start with the very basics: boarding the bus. Before you get on the bus, as you are standing in line waiting for the magic doors to let you on, have your ID ready, or you 2$ or whatever. Do NOT make everyone behind you angrily tap their feet while waiting for you to search through you three ton backpack. If you are having trouble finding your bus pass (we all do every now and then), kindly take a side step and let all the other people on before you. By holding everyone hostage while you sift through gum wrappers you are make everyone late and cranky.
Let’s say that you are trying to get your bike on the bus. This is a bit trickier because there are only 2-3 spots on the bus for a bike. The only logical way to decide who gets on when is a first come first serve system. Therefore, to avoid being the biggest douche on the planet, when you roll up on your bike, look around and take in account how many other bikes are already there. This generally goes smoothly, but don’t be afraid to be assertive, sometimes people are still not awake in the morning. This biggest violation of bike/bus etiquette occurs when actually putting the bike on the bus. Do NOT be that asswipe that takes the front spot, and forces everyone else to awkwardly jam their bikes behind yours. The worst is when both the back and front spots are taken and you have to spend 8 mins trying to squeeze your giant ass bike in-between the other two giant ass bikes. NOT COOL. If you are getting off before the other bikers, kindly offer them the opportunity to put their bikes on the bus ahead of yours. Actually, always ask other bikers when they are getting off to minimize the hassle that everyone has to go through trying to wrestle their bikes on and off the bus; it’s just common decency.
So, now you are on the bus and you see your friend sitting down on an aisle seat, but there are not other seats near her. You go up to her, say hi and start taking about the weekend; the bus isn’t very crowd, so wtvs. However, at the next stop the entire Psych 1 class boards. Do NOT be the fucktard that refuses to give up your standing spot near your friend and act as a road block with your person-sized backpack forcing all of the newly-on bus rides to drop 30 pounds just to pass by you and head to the back of the bus. For the love of god, say you’ll talk to your friend later and head to the back of the bus before the hoard. She will understand, I swear.
Great, you’ve done all those first steps, and you feel like you’ve mastered this bus etiquette thing. Now it’s time for the ultimate test. It’s midterms and it’s raining-hard: GO! This is really the worst case scenario bus riding experience. You’re wet, you’re stressed, you’re late and so is everyone else. This is when you really need to suck it up and channel jello. You will find yourself squeezing into the most impossibly small spaces; three people abreast in the aisle! Yes, someone’s backpack will be hitting you in the face, and yes, you will be accidentally grinding with that sopping wet kid who totally forgot his umbrella. SUCK IT UP. Squish yourself like a sardine, mush yourself into a shape you didn’t even know existed (I have literally had one foot perched on top of the other in order to take up less space) and for christ’s sake put your backpack on your feet like a daddy Empire Penguin. If you refuse to do any of these things, and incur the shouts of your fellow riders (“MOVE BACK!”), then you are the biggest dumbfuck of all times and deserve to be thrown from the moving bus out into the rain.
Especially in these trying situations it is dire to allow people to get off the bus when the get to their stop. People will be coming from the back of the bus and you will, at some point, be elbowed in the face. It happens. When the bus begins to slow down and the doors make that fart sound and open, it is your cue to suck in that burrito gut and let the poor kid who just spent 40 minutes breathing in everyone’s exhales at the back out of the bus out to his freedom and his stats test.
Lastly, and most importantly, ALWAYS thank you bus driver, even that means yelling over the din of singing drunk bussers. Don’t be a dick; it won’t hurt you to say thanks.
Follow these simple guidelines and we can all avoid the type hostility that makes serial killers snap.